well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
A bitchslap is in order.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
