she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Randomize
