why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
