You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
