She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
