in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
