Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
