can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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