I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
