i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
