Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
