Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
