Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
