i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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