I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
