If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
