I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
