I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
