So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
