You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
