I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
