Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
