Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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