i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Randomize
