remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
