Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
