BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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