The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
