I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
