Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My bed is full of blood and feathers
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I pour the whiskey from now on
as a side note pls kill me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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