Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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