You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
