I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
