he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
