i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
