Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
