Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
