Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
