You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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