What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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