Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
