I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
