He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
