Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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