Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
