I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
