from now on my penis is your penis
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
