I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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