Someone shit on the floor
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
