tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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