he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
