Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
